sugar-free confessions of a fat girl

Getting up and moving my feet or exercise sucks!

2010-05-16T15:47:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was young my Mom put me in ballet classes in order to get me active. I loved ballet over the years I expanded to tap and jazz. Those classes were so much fun to me and I stayed in them until I was in junior high. I decided to stop because I was so excited about being in junior high and getting involved with after school things and hanging out with my friends that I figured I’d be too busy. When I look back on it now, I wish I would’ve stuck with the dance because I loved it so much. To this day I am a sucker for any shows that involve dancing. So You Think You Can Dance is my favorite but I’ve also been known to watch Dancing With The Stars and America’s Best Dance Crew. When I was in dance class I didn’t think about the fact that I was exercising. It was just fun. As I’ve gotten older it’s been harder for me to find something that is considered exercise AND fun. Exercise is exercise. There’s a lot of sweating and heavy breathing and it’s not the good life affirming kind.

My mother is one of the most disciplined people I’ve ever met. She gets up everyday to go on her walk. I have tried several times to go with her and I epically fail every time. It’s not that I can’t keep up with her but I go for one day and then when the alarm goes off the next morning I’m seriously not interested. The bed is just so damn warm and soft and sleep is nice. Mostly because I stay up way too late. I am an epic night owl. It's also just so boring. She goes the same route and I need a little bit more variety in my life.

I’ve made a mix of music I love to listen to on my iPod and I’ve gone walking alone on my own route a few times now and I kinda love it. So, I’ve decided from now until my birthday (which is in a month) I will walk at least twice a week. When the birthday comes I’ve decided to up the walking to three to four times a week until July 4th . I’m hoping by then it will have become a habit and I’ll just keep doing it. I’m going to walk when and wherever I feel like for at least 30 minutes. There are some really lovely neighborhoods around where I live so I enjoy walking through them. Also doing it alone allows me to just be with myself and clear my head and not worry about conversation.

I guess this is what goal setting is about. I've realized that goals are pretty good for me. I find myself wanting to actually meet them where as in the past, not so much. People can really change!

Anyway, this has to work for me until I get the funds to join a gym or find a class I can enjoy. I am committed to moving more because it helps me feel better mentally and I love being happy everyday. Perhaps I’ll give yoga another go.

Maybe.

Contemplating my life and there's no way I suck at it!

2010-05-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

I am in a constant state of wondering if I am living to my fullest potential. Most of the time I’m thinking that I’m not because I’m not as happy as I could be and I continuously wonder if there is something else out there for me. I am hardest on myself and as I have mentioned before I do compare myself to other people a lot of the time. I have no idea where this attitude came from. I just know I have done it for the majority of my life. It’s possible it happened sometime in elementary school. All of my life I’ve always been fat. I was a fat little kid who turned into a fat teenager who then became a fat adult. I’ve never known what it was like to have a small body. When I was young I never really thought there was anything different about me. Yes, I was the fattest kid in my class but it didn’t bother me. It wasn’t until I was seven or eight when I began to think my fatness was bad. I was picked on and had rocks thrown at me by some kid on my way home from school. I hadn’t done anything to have rocks thrown at me so I only assumed since the kid was calling me Fat Albert’s wife that the rocks came along with it. Pretty soon after that my Mom put me on a diet and my relationship with food got screwed from there. My Mom went well, she’s kind of old school anyway.

It wasn’t until I was 11 when the thoughts of just being a fat girl became the thoughts of because I’m fat I can’t do x, y, and z. That I don’t deserve this, this and that because I am fat. It didn’t help that at the time I had someone in my life reinforcing these thoughts on a daily basis. Unfortunately this thinking has followed me throughout my adult life and to this day I’m having the most difficult time trying to reverse this way of thinking.

I am 33 and I’ve never had a relationship. This makes me the 33 year old virgin.

I think about this all the time. For years I have beat myself up over it, making myself feel like I am a complete loser. If you ask any of my friends, I throw that label around so easily about myself and now, I’m really tired of it. This is just how my life has turned out and when I really think about it I know it’s for the best. I’ve had so many issues that I’ve had to deal with and overcome to get to this point and I think had I had a boyfriend during that time bad things would’ve happened. I’m just now learning who I am and what I want and gaining so much confidence. Unfortunately, it took an article and a few stupid comments to get me all riled up about this and REALLY get me thinking.

A few days ago I was checking my twitter (which I do obsessively. HELP!) and an article was posted on Frisky.com about that age old question all us single ladies keep asking ourselves, What The Hell Is Happening to 30-Something Guys? It sparked my attention because I often ask myself that same question over and over again. Of course I live in a very… interesting part of California. It’s one of those places that you want to escape from unless you are one of the lucky people to find a good person to settle down with, a good job to keep for the next millennia and raise a family. Not all of us can be so lucky and yes I have left this place twice but I keep coming back because it’s comfortable. Anyway, for single people this place is really sad. The good ones were snatched up a long time ago and I do not have the time and the patience to wait for the young ones to become good ones. Anyway, I digress…

So this article basically went on about how the good 30-something men are all taken and blah, blah, blah. You get the picture. It one comment that set me off. A reader when on to write about how “there are three kinds of 30-something men, the career driven ones, the second spring ones and then the mess ups.” Apparently the “mess ups” are the ones who don’t have a stellar career, having had a long term relationship and are single for a reason, they suck at life. This struck a very huge cord with me. Suck at life? I mean, really? If I wasn’t hard enough on myself as it is, reading that just threw me for a loop. Part of me immediately wanted to agree with this person and think about how I must suck at life because yeah, career wise I’m struggling and no I haven’t been in a LTR and if I’m single for a reason it must be because I’m fat. Of course then the smart part of my brain kicked in and I thought to myself, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

This time last year I wouldn’t have thought that. I would’ve kept with the bad thinking and berated myself until I was is in full on depression mode but now know. There is obviously something wrong with that other person to have that kind of mindset. No, I don’t have a “career” and I haven’t had the pleasure of being with someone but I’ve done so many other things in my life that there’s no way I suck at it. I’m not the best, I’m human and I make bad decisions but to lump someone in the loser category because of one aspect of their life!

Sometimes I wonder how many other people there are out there just like me. Older and still trying to find themselves. I wonder if there is anyone who read those comments and felt like a loser when they really had no reason to. Society is always trying to fit us all into categories based one the most inane things, telling us we can have or do certain things because of our looks, where we come from or our education. I am so very tired of actually listening to this nonsense.

Trying to reverse years of low self-esteem is pretty exhausting most of the time but I am committed to it. I feel the need to prove people like this reader on Frisky wrong. No, I haven’t been focusing on my career for 90% of my life making me miss out on dates and all those other things but I am 100% sure of who I am and if it took me 33 years to get there then whatever. Thing is now I feel like a new door has been opened for me and there’s this whole other adventure waiting to happen. Yes, I am still dealing with bad days which I probably will have all of my life but that is just something that happens.

No one sucks at life as long as they are living it.

Living and letting go of The Fear

2010-04-28T20:51:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately. Not fear in the sense of things that go bump in the night and Freddy Kruger (though I do still harbor a childhood fear of those things) but fear that keeps you from doing the things you really want to do. Fear that makes you feel as though you are unworthy.

I've never really been a risk taker. I've never gone out and done anything crazy accept possibly move 3000 miles away from my comfort zone to go to culinary school. That was a pretty big risk but in the end it was the best decision that I'd ever made. I had a great time while I was there. I did a lot of things, made a lot of friends and proved to myself that I could be independent. Of course three years later I am back ensconced in my comfort zone, existing and not living like I should be. Even though I've come to this conclusion I'm doing my best not to beat myself up about it but figure out away to get back on track where I want to be. See, there are dreams that I have and I'm not doing myself any favors just sitting here.

“It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.”
Leonardo Da Vinci

Most of my life I've pretty much lived it with insecurity and social anxiety. I'm not quite sure when I started to actually believe that I didn't deserve certain things because of my weight or how I looked but to this day the same thoughts run through my brain. I am trying my best to reverse these thoughts but after so many years I'm finding the process to be exhausting. I have great days when I'm confident and then days when I'm not. I'm in awe of those people who are sure of themselves all the time and I really can't wait to get to that point. I feel as though I will someday because I'm so different from where I used to be so I know that change is possible.

The fear still creeps up inside me. This weekend several of my friends auditioned for Glee. I really wanted to do it by my brain kept telling me that I couldn't. I was too fat, old or not pretty enough to even be considered so why even try. I did find out that there was an age limit and of course I was about eight years too old but still, I know I wouldn't have done it even if there wasn't an age limit. Why? Why would I be so afraid to just audition? What could possibly happen if they said no to me? Nothing! I wouldn't die or anything. There's an opportunity for me to go back to school and further my education and again I'm scared. I'm over thinking and second guessing and this is possibly an amazing opportunity. I've been unemployed for a while and this could lead to something.

Paula Deen was on Oprah the other day and she basically said the worst thing a person could do was not even try. What's going to happen, you fail and have to start over again? My entire purpose for this year was to change the way my life was going. I was sick of watching other people live their lives while I did nothing. So why is it that I'm standing in my own way? I know in my heart of hearts that I deserve everything that I work hard for so why be so afraid? I let the fear creep into this blog which is cause for my many weeks in between postings. Do I really think I'm good enough to run a blog? Who am I and why do I think what I say would make any difference about anything? How could I possibly make any friends out here when I have no idea where I belong in this giant blogosphere?

I'm finding myself wanting to learn how to push the fear aside and soldier on. I really want nothing to stand in my way as I try to navigate this journey I'm taking. I know there are others out there feeling the same that I feel so why not put it out there and invite others to do the same. If there is anyone out there reading this, tell me what you're afraid of and how you plan to get over it and face it?

Weddings and realizations

2010-03-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

I am a romantic at heart. I've always believed in fairytales and true love and most thing that make the majority of people puke. I believe in love a first sight, soulmates, and Prince Charming. I believe that love can happen like it does in the movies. Of course even though I wished for it, I never used to think it would happen to me. I wasn't deserving of it because I wasn't skinny and perfect. Now that I think about it, that is the most ridiculous thought that anyone could possibly have.

This past weekend I was privileged to witness the marriage of two of my very close friends. I've been to several weddings and though they are lovely events I have normally left them feeling less than stellar. It'd always been one of those things when I'd sit there wondering when it would be my turn and why wasn't this happen to me. When I think back on it now it was just one of those moments when I should've been just like Seriously, get over yourself. This time it was different. All I could do was smile the entire time. I watched two people that were meant for each other pledge their lives to each other and it was so beautiful. These were two people who were clearly meant to be together and love each other more than anything and there is no doubt in my mind that they will go the distance. It bought tears to my eyes to watch them kiss, to see them announced as Mr. and Mrs. and to see them have the day that the both deserved. I was really so happy to be apart of it.

I no longer sit around and pout about when will it be my turn. I recognize the fact that I need to figure out who I am as a person before I can share my life with someone. I know that everything I dream about will come true. The person I will share my life with, my best friend who I will share secrets with, have adventures with and grow old with will find me and I will find him. I used to live in fear that as the year go by I was going to turn into an old maid (because I'm ANCIENT) and I would die alone but I've gotten rid of that fear. It was long overdue because really, it was weighing me down.

It's always an amazing feeling when I've jumped over another hurdle that has held me back. This weekend I also learned that I really have an amazing talent. My friends trusted me with their wedding cake and I delivered. I worried all last week and everything went fine. The cake was beautiful and delicious and I really know what I'm doing. I've always wanted to do wedding cakes since before I went to school and now if it's meant to be I want to follow that path. We shall see where it takes me.

Resetting the Resolution Button

2010-03-10T23:04:00.000-08:00

weheartit.com

It is March and I can say that I have definitely fallen off my resolution wagon. I made the decision that 2010 was going to be the year of improvement and not letting stupid things hold me back and while I only made two resolutions and I have mostly pushed them by the way side. I haven't forgotten completely but I'm not conscience of them as much as I was in January. There were pretty simple resolutions: Eat healthier and Move more. I've done yoga a few times but not as much as I should and while I'm am making better choices when it comes to eating, they still aren't as good as I would like them to be. One thing I have stuck to is if I ate something what wasn't exacly healthy I was no longer going to beat myself up about it. I can proudly say I've stuck to that.

I gave up fast food for Lent. When I tell people this the first thing they say is "You aren't Catholic?" No I'm not but I didn't think that was a prerequisite. I mean really, the only reason why I decided to do something for Lent is because I knew it was 40 something days long and it ended on Easter. There's a clear time period that I wouldn't wonder how much longer I had and when could I eat Carl's Jr. again? I've never challenged myself before so I decided why not so I gave up fast food. I basically can't eat anything from a place that has a drive thru. Probably doesn't sound like much to people but I have to say it is very challenging. There are days when I don't feel like cooking and I just wish we could run down the street and get something or I go over to my friend's place and someone shows up with a lovely bag of deliciousness and the cravings start. It's not that I ate burgers and fries all the time but it was convienient and I do have a soft spot for In & Out Burger. Yes, I am a culinary school grad and a self proclaimed foodie but who doesn't love a burger every now and then?

I have survived 21 days so far. I'm hoping by the end of this I can survive longer. Forty days without consuming this stuff I would think I could just be done. I've decided that I'm hitting the reset button on my resolutions and focusing on what I want to achieve.

Other goals that I have for this year is actually keeping up with this blog. I have plans and I want to turn this into something that helps others. I feel like I'm going through this transition in my life and maybe someone else is doing the same thing and looking for someone to connect with. My vision is for others to find me and identify with what I'm trying to do. As I mentioned in my last post, February was Radical Self Love month and with reading comments on Galadarling.com and the #radicalselflove tag on Twitter and I learned so much about people and I'm not alone in my thinking. It's rather nice and reassuring.

Happy Valentine's Day

2010-02-12T12:50:00.000-08:00

I really didn’t think it would take me so many years to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. At the age of 33 (soon to be 34) I am starting to do just that. I don’t know if it’s ridiculous or awe inspiring. In my brain it seems that this process should have taken place sometime when I was in my late teens, early 20s but it didn’t. The spark didn’t even come until I was almost thirty. That actually what it was, a spark that smoldered for the last few years until just this last year where it grew into a huge flame. I look at myself now and think finally, there is the beautiful person I’d been wishing for. I now believe I can have anything and that just because I don’t fit into a certain category of conventional size and beauty doesn’t make me any less worthy. Right now I am unemployed. I am without a job and living in an area where the unemployment is so high it’s ridiculous. There is nothing for a pastry chef like myself here but because I am unable to move I have decided to make my own employment. I have always wished for a job that I loved to do but didn’t believe I deserved that because my employment history is shotty at best. I mean, only people who have worked for a long time and paid their dues were allowed the blessings of doing what they loved. Who said that was a rule? I plan on working on what makes me happy and as I work I know the opportunities will arise in which I can put forth what I love to do. I believe it in and it’s that simple. It is my responsibility to love myself and do what makes me happy in order to live a fulfilled life.

I think a lot of people forget that. Everyone gets caught up in the day to day hustle of life and we forget that we need to stop and see where we are. We need to love ourselves and figure out what makes us happy. Once you figure out what makes you happy and that you are worthy enough to follow your passions then everything starts to change. A few months ago I stumbled upon the wonderful Miss Gala Darling and her website and not only is she the cutest thing in the world I found her completely inspiring. Gala has declared February Radical Self Love month and though I am a few weeks late (as I always seem to be) I have been following along with her posts and everyone else’s posts about it as well. There will be a lot of tips about take care of yourself, respecting yourself and figuring out what makes you beautiful and worthy of everything in this world. I took Gala’s suggestion to set up a column in my TweetDeck for a search for #radicalselflove and the results have been so inspiring. Most people I know would find this all to be a lot of crap but that’s because they aren’t in the right place to accept the message. We all need to take the time to give love to ourselves, take care of our spirit and do what we need to do to be happy in this world. If we don’t love ourselves how do we expect anyone else to?

I hope everyone had a faboo Valentine's Day. I know most feel like it's a day made up by Hallmark and all that but I think it's a nice day to share with people you love whether it's friends, a significant other or your family. I plan to enjoy my night with friends. I think I'm going to make them brownies. Maybe I'll post the recipe!

Inspiration for Change

2010-01-16T16:40:00.000-08:00

On my many trips around the web I always find things that are a little inspirational or just something that makes me stop and think about things. With this overwhelming sense of change in the air sometimes it’s easy to set up goals that are so far up in the clouds that no one could reach them. I did find this list that someone posted somewhere and I found most of it to be very inspirational. I don’t say follow it to the letter because we all have different areas we'd like to improve and we all believe in different things but sometimes reading over something can jar a few ideas in your head. Sort of like shedding light on an area that was pretty dark for me for a long time. I’m often inspired but so many different things and I plan on incorporating a few of these ideas into my life for 2010. What about you?

HANDBOOK 2010

Health
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Take time to pray and read your Bible daily.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2009.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality
11. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don’t over do it. Keep your limits.
14. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything..
28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

2010 : Where did the decade go?

2010-01-12T22:55:00.000-08:00

From weheartit.com

Happy New Year. I am about twelve days late on that but it’s still January so I’m pretty much in the clear in my mind. The holidays are over which was kind of a bummer because it’s time to remove all the Christmas décor and the house just looks so January. I had a different outlook for the new year this year. I don’t know if it was because of the new decade or what but I was excited and positive and ready to meet 2010 head on!

I know, and I wasn’t even drinking.

Of course this year I decided I needed to make a change. My first change was that I’d decided to go natural with my hair. I was tired of getting relaxers and putting chemicals on my scalp. As most black women know, this is a very scary step. There are so many blogs, websites and message boards were women post about the steps to going natural, their experiences, what product to use and I thought there really wasn’t a place (not one that I found) where you could do that for eating better. Sure there are tons of places where you can find what to eat, what exercises to do, what supplements you need to take but not anything with an honest to go person implementing these things into their lives and how they felt about it. I don’t normally make resolutions because I’m just like everyone else and have already broke them before I even have a chance to try to keep them but this time it felt different. I was actually looking forward to changing things.

I love food. I love food so much I went to culinary school. What I didn’t love were the hot kitchens and twelve hours on my feet but that’s another story. Food has always made me happy. I could wax poetically about all the things I love to eat and their flavors and how wonderful that first taste is when it hits your tongue. I can also go on about which fast food place has the best burgers, the best fries, and the best dollar menu. I also realize that because I have eaten this way for years and years, I don’t have much energy (I sleep nine hours a night, get up and want to nap four hours later), I have Type II Diabetes and the internal feelings I feel (aches, pains, weird heart palpitations) are things I don’t like. I would also like to have brighter skin, shinier hair and be able to walk with hearing the crunch and click of my right knee (it’s so gross).

What I’m doing here is not dieting. I’m changing some fundamental things in my eating habits that will help me be healthier and just feel better. I am a fat person and it took me thirty-three years to be okay with that. I look in the mirror (most days, I‘m still learning and accepting) and I see a beautiful, intelligent, funny, loving person staring back at me. I expect some weight loss to come along with this change but that’s not what I’m focusing on. I’ve never wanted to be a skinny person. I’m a firm believer in never trusting a skinny cook (okay not really, I learned to love Giada) but all of this is about getting healthy. I’m hoping to find other people trying to do the same thing and learning from them. I hope that I find others who haven’t thought about it but are inspired to do so. I’m a normal person that will be struggling through this along with everyone else but I know I will come out the other side victorious (and with the clicking my knee to quiet down).

It's all about trying something new

2009-10-20T23:21:00.000-07:00

I'd meant to update a little more frequently then I have been but I've just started this blog so I'm giving myself a little slack. I know that my frequency isn't something that really matters at the moment and that I should just focus on updating when the mood strikes me so that's what I'm going to do. No need to pressure myself.

On my birthday this year I decided that I was going to no longer let my fear hold me back from doing things that I really wanted to do. A lot of the time I have that problem, thinking that I'm really not good enough to do anything or if I don't do it perfectly I'm a complete failure. Such is not the case anymore. Writing is something that I've always loved since all my life I've always had a pretty vivid imagination. I'm good at making up stories and I like to day dream a lot. Since I was probably about 11 years old I would write stories to entertain my friends. Most of the time they were about celebrities and all of that. I've dabbled in fan fiction for many years but I always felt intimidated by many of the authors that were out there. A few years ago I let comments from certain people get to me and I put myself in a very long writers block that I've been battling off and on for three years or so. Lately I've been thinking why do I let other people do that to me? I can write whatever I want and if I don't like it I don't have to show it to anyone. I've had a few ideas come to me this year and I've decided to participate in NaNoWriMo. I have pledged to write 50,000 words in the month of November and after I did this I promptly thought I was crazy. Fear was the first thing I felt after thinking damn 50,000 words is a lot. Well, it basically is but I think I can at least give it a try. I'm far enough in the game with actually having three different ideas that I could easily use. More than some people from what I've gathered on the forums. I have a little while to get my ideas in order and I'm actually looking forward to participating. Now lets see if I still feel this way November 2nd.