Weddings and realizations

I am a romantic at heart.  I've always believed in fairytales and true love and most thing that make the majority of people puke.  I believe in love a first sight, soulmates, and Prince Charming. I believe that love can happen like it does in the movies.  Of course even though I wished for it, I never used to think it would happen to me.  I wasn't deserving of it because I wasn't skinny and perfect.  Now that I think about it, that is the most ridiculous thought that anyone could possibly have.

This past weekend I was privileged to witness the marriage of two of my very close friends.  I've been to several weddings and though they are lovely events I have normally left them feeling less than stellar.  It'd always been one of those things when I'd sit there wondering when it would be my turn and why wasn't this happen to me.  When I think back on it now it was just one of those moments when I should've been just like Seriously, get over yourself.  This time it was different.  All I could do was smile the entire time.  I watched two people that were meant for each other pledge their lives to each other and it was so beautiful.  These were two people who were clearly meant to be together and love each other more than anything and there is no doubt in my mind that they will go the distance.  It bought tears to my eyes to watch them kiss, to see them announced as Mr. and Mrs. and to see them have the day that the both deserved.  I was really so happy to be apart of it.

I no longer sit around and pout about when will it be my turn.  I recognize the fact that I need to figure out who I am as a person before I can share my life with someone.  I know that everything I dream about will come true.  The person I will share my life with, my best friend who I will share secrets with, have adventures with and grow old with will find me and I will find him.  I used to live in fear that as the year go by I was going to turn into an old maid (because I'm ANCIENT) and I would die alone but I've gotten rid of that fear.  It was long overdue because really, it was weighing me down. 

It's always an amazing feeling when I've jumped over another hurdle that has held me back.  This weekend I also learned that I really have an amazing talent.  My friends trusted me with their wedding cake and I delivered.  I worried all last week and everything went fine.  The cake was beautiful and delicious and I really know what I'm doing.  I've always wanted to do wedding cakes since before I went to school and now if it's meant to be I want to follow that path.  We shall see where it takes me.

Resetting the Resolution Button

 weheartit.com

It is March and I can say that I have definitely fallen off my resolution wagon.  I made the decision that 2010 was going to be the year of improvement and not letting stupid things hold me back and while I only made two resolutions and I have mostly pushed them by the way side.  I haven't forgotten completely but I'm not conscience of them as much as I was in January.  There were pretty simple resolutions:  Eat healthier and Move more.  I've done yoga a few times but not as much as I should and while I'm am making better choices when it comes to eating, they still aren't as good as I would like them to be.  One thing I have stuck to is if I ate something what wasn't exacly healthy I was no longer going to beat myself up about it.  I can proudly say I've stuck to that.

I gave up fast food for Lent.  When I tell people this the first thing they say is "You aren't Catholic?"  No I'm not but I didn't think that was a prerequisite.  I mean really, the only reason why I decided to do something for Lent is because I knew it was 40 something days long and it ended on Easter.  There's a clear time period that I wouldn't wonder how much longer I had and when could I eat Carl's Jr. again?  I've never challenged myself before so I decided why not so I gave up fast food.  I basically can't eat anything from a place that has a drive thru.  Probably doesn't sound like much to people but I have to say it is very challenging.  There are days when I don't feel like cooking and I just wish we could run down the street and get something or I go over to my friend's place and someone shows up with a lovely bag of deliciousness and the cravings start.  It's not that I ate burgers and fries all the time but it was convienient and I do have a soft spot for In & Out Burger.  Yes, I am a culinary school grad and a self proclaimed foodie but who doesn't love a burger every now and then?

I have survived 21 days so far.  I'm hoping by the end of this I can survive longer. Forty days without consuming this stuff I would think I could just be done.  I've decided that I'm hitting the reset button on my resolutions and focusing on what I want to achieve.

Other goals that I have for this year is actually keeping up with this blog.  I have plans and I want to turn this into something that helps others.  I feel like I'm going through this transition in my life and maybe someone else is doing the same thing and looking for someone to connect with.  My vision is for others to find me and identify with what I'm trying to do.  As I mentioned in my last post, February was Radical Self Love month and with reading comments on Galadarling.com and the #radicalselflove tag on Twitter and I learned so much about people and I'm not alone in my thinking.  It's rather nice and reassuring.

Happy Valentine's Day

I really didn’t think it would take me so many years to finally feel comfortable in my own skin.  At the age of 33 (soon to be 34) I am starting to do just that.  I don’t know if it’s ridiculous or awe inspiring.  In my brain it seems that this process should have taken place sometime when I was in my late teens, early 20s but it didn’t.  The spark didn’t even come until I was almost thirty.  That actually what it was, a spark that smoldered for the last few years until just this last year where it grew into a huge flame.  I look at myself now and think finally, there is the beautiful person I’d been wishing for.  I now believe I can have anything and that just because I don’t fit into a certain category of conventional size and beauty doesn’t make me any less worthy.  Right now I am unemployed.  I am without a job and living in an area where the unemployment is so high it’s ridiculous.  There is nothing for a pastry chef like myself here but because I am unable to move I have decided to make my own employment.  I have always wished for a job that I loved to do but didn’t believe I deserved that because my employment history is shotty at best.  I mean, only people who have worked for a long time and paid their dues were allowed the blessings of doing what they loved.  Who said that was a rule?  I plan on working on what makes me happy and as I work I know the opportunities will arise in which I can put forth what I love to do.  I believe it in and it’s that simple.  It is my responsibility to love myself and do what makes me happy in order to live a fulfilled life.

I think a lot of people forget that.  Everyone gets caught up in the day to day hustle of life and we forget that we need to stop and see where we are.  We need to love ourselves and figure out what makes us happy.  Once you figure out what makes you happy and that you are worthy enough to follow your passions then everything starts to change.  A few months ago I stumbled upon the wonderful Miss Gala Darling and her website and not only is she the cutest thing in the world I found her completely inspiring.  Gala has declared February Radical Self Love month and though I am a few weeks late (as I always seem to be) I have been following along with her posts and everyone else’s posts about it as well.  There will be a lot of tips about take care of yourself, respecting yourself and figuring out what makes you beautiful and worthy of everything in this world.  I took Gala’s suggestion to set up a column in my TweetDeck for a search for #radicalselflove and the results have been so inspiring.  Most people I know would find this all to be a lot of crap but that’s because they aren’t in the right place to accept the message.  We all need to take the time to give love to ourselves, take care of our spirit and do what we need to do to be happy in this world.  If we don’t love ourselves how do we expect anyone else to?

I hope everyone had a faboo Valentine's Day.  I know most feel like it's a day made up by Hallmark and all that but I think it's a nice day to share with people you love whether it's friends, a significant other or your family.  I plan to enjoy my night with friends.  I think I'm going to make them brownies.  Maybe I'll post the recipe!

Inspiration for Change

On my many trips around the web I always find things that are a little inspirational or just something that makes me stop and think about things.  With this overwhelming sense of change in the air sometimes it’s easy to set up goals that are so far up in the clouds that no one could reach them.  I did find this list that someone posted somewhere and I found most of it to be very inspirational.  I don’t say follow it to the letter because we all have different areas we'd like to improve and we all believe in different things but sometimes reading over something can jar a few ideas in your head.  Sort of like shedding light on an area that was pretty dark for me for a long time.  I’m often inspired but so many different things and I plan on incorporating a few of these ideas into my life for 2010.  What about you?

2010 : Where did the decade go?

From weheartit.com

Happy New Year.  I am about twelve days late on that but it’s still January so I’m pretty much in the clear in my mind.  The holidays are over which was kind of a bummer because it’s time to remove all the Christmas décor and the house just looks so January.  I had a different outlook for the new year this year.  I don’t know if it was because of the new decade or what but I was excited and positive and ready to meet 2010 head on!

I know, and I wasn’t even drinking.

It's all about trying something new

I'd meant to update a little more frequently then I have been but I've just started this blog so I'm giving myself a little slack. I know that my frequency isn't something that really matters at the moment and that I should just focus on updating when the mood strikes me so that's what I'm going to do. No need to pressure myself.

On my birthday this year I decided that I was going to no longer let my fear hold me back from doing things that I really wanted to do. A lot of the time I have that problem, thinking that I'm really not good enough to do anything or if I don't do it perfectly I'm a complete failure. Such is not the case anymore. Writing is something that I've always loved since all my life I've always had a pretty vivid imagination. I'm good at making up stories and I like to day dream a lot. Since I was probably about 11 years old I would write stories to entertain my friends. Most of the time they were about celebrities and all of that. I've dabbled in fan fiction for many years but I always felt intimidated by many of the authors that were out there. A few years ago I let comments from certain people get to me and I put myself in a very long writers block that I've been battling off and on for three years or so. Lately I've been thinking why do I let other people do that to me? I can write whatever I want and if I don't like it I don't have to show it to anyone. I've had a few ideas come to me this year and I've decided to participate in NaNoWriMo. I have pledged to write 50,000 words in the month of November and after I did this I promptly thought I was crazy. Fear was the first thing I felt after thinking damn 50,000 words is a lot. Well, it basically is but I think I can at least give it a try. I'm far enough in the game with actually having three different ideas that I could easily use. More than some people from what I've gathered on the forums. I have a little while to get my ideas in order and I'm actually looking forward to participating. Now lets see if I still feel this way November 2nd.