Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Living and letting go of The Fear

I've been thinking a lot about fear lately.  Not fear in the sense of things that go bump in the night and Freddy Kruger (though I do still harbor a childhood fear of those things) but fear that keeps you from doing the things you really want to do.  Fear that makes you feel as though you are unworthy.

I've never really been a risk taker.  I've never gone out and done anything crazy accept possibly move 3000 miles away from my comfort zone to go to culinary school.  That was a pretty big risk but in the end it was the best decision that I'd ever made. I had a great time while I was there.  I did a lot of things, made a lot of friends and proved to myself that I could be independent.  Of course three years later I am back ensconced in my comfort zone, existing and not living like I should be.  Even though I've come to this conclusion I'm doing my best not to beat myself up about it but figure out away to get back on track where I want to be.  See, there are dreams that I have and I'm not doing myself any favors just sitting here.

“It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.”
Leonardo Da Vinci

Most of my life I've pretty much lived it with insecurity and social anxiety.  I'm not quite sure when I started to actually believe that I didn't deserve certain things because of my weight or how I looked but to this day the same thoughts run through my brain.  I am trying my best to reverse these thoughts but after so many years I'm finding the process to be exhausting.   I have great days when I'm confident and then days when I'm not.   I'm in awe of those people who are sure of themselves all the time and I really can't wait to get to that point.  I feel as though I will someday because I'm so different from where I used to be so I know that change is possible.

The fear still creeps up inside me.  This weekend several of my friends auditioned for Glee.  I really wanted to do it by my brain kept telling me that I couldn't.  I was too fat, old or not pretty enough to even be considered so why even try.  I did find out that there was an age limit and of course I was about eight years too old but still, I know I wouldn't have done it even if there wasn't an age limit.  Why? Why would I be so afraid to just audition?  What could possibly happen if they said no to me?  Nothing! I wouldn't die or anything.  There's an opportunity for me to go back to school and further my education and again I'm scared.  I'm over thinking and second guessing and this is possibly an amazing opportunity.  I've been unemployed for a while and this could lead to something.

Paula Deen was on Oprah the other day and she basically said the worst thing a person could do was not even try.  What's going to happen, you fail and have to start over again?  My entire purpose for this year was to change the way my life was going.  I was sick of watching other people live their lives while I did nothing.  So why is it that I'm standing in my own way?  I know in my heart of hearts that I deserve everything that I work hard for so why be so afraid?  I let the fear creep into this blog which is cause for my many weeks in between postings.  Do I really think I'm good enough to run a blog?  Who am I and why do I think what I say would make any difference about anything?  How could I possibly make any friends out here when I have no idea where I belong in this giant blogosphere?

I'm finding myself wanting to learn how to push the fear aside and soldier on.  I really want nothing to stand in my way as I try to navigate this journey I'm taking.  I know there are others out there feeling the same that I feel so why not put it out there and invite others to do the same.  If there is anyone out there reading this, tell me what you're afraid of and how you plan to get over it and face it?

1 comment:

Nat said...

You are amazing Les and you always have been. You've gone off an experienced the East Coast while some of us have never left our comfort zone. You completed culinary school without your usual support with you, you had to adapt and meet new people who became your support. You will do amazing things and if going back to school gives you more or better opportunities then grab the opportunity and show them how great you are. I'm very proud of your accomplishments and happy that I've been able to call you my friend for more than half my life now. Lol, we're not old!! :) love you!